There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
