Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
