dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
