Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Gay?
German.
Pity.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
