GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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