Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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