i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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