dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Two words: nipple clamps
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