I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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