Nicole vs. Life
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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