you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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