I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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