Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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