My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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