well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
