So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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