I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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