you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Randomize
