She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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