at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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