I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Porn is love you can see.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she peed on how many people?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
