My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
