what day is it and did you see me today?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
