my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
