textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
