my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
