I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
