What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
