i love accidental penises.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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