My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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