Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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