Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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