Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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