my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
