i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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