just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
