At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
