well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
