I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
