I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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