He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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