STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
