the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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