I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
