My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
