Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
