i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize