I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
