i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
