so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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