dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It's Friday. Sex?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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