I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
