Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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