dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize