I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
