I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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