My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
