okay pat passed out under dana's car
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
