Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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