Sober January is a disaster.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize