Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
