consequently i now know what mace tastes like
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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